I Choose Pro-Love (And Pro-Choice)

As a woman who struggled for years with infertility as well as miscarriage, I have never taken for granted the ability to have children, either biologically or by adoption. I view pregnancy and childbirth as a blessing.

"No doubt about it: children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a divine reward.The children born when one is young are like arrows in the hand of a warrior. The person who fills a quiver full with them is truly happy!" Psalms 127:3-5

Pro-Love, Pro-Life and Pro-Choice Past

My infertility made it hard for me to empathize with women who struggle with unwanted pregnancies. I was surrounded by pro-life people. My personal disappointments were compounded by feelings of spiritual defeat, as the Bible has certain passages inferring infertility was a punishment or consequence of sin. Society led me to think I had control over my life or the achievement of my goal to have children, and it was a hard lesson to learn that I did not. The pain intensified when I saw parents enjoying their children, as well as when I heard parents complaining about having children, joking about giving them away, or rejecting pregnancies that I was denied.

However, it is easy to oppose abortion when you're never going to have an unwanted pregnancy, either because you are past menopause or because you are a man. I think the choice should be voted on only by those who may actually have a stake in the game.

If I go back further, to my teenage self, I can empathize with an unwanted pregnancy. We were in gym class and we were told to pair up, a boy and a girl. Then we were given the assignment: role play that you are pregnant and decide with your partner what you will do. I didn't think it would happen to me, since I believed in birth control education, and I had not even had a boyfriend yet. I was young. I wanted to go to university. I did not want to be trapped at my parents' farm. I wanted an abortion. I was partnered with a Catholic boy, a boy who claimed to believe in free sex, and he said no: "That's my baby". There it is. The role play turned real. We did not agree.

I did eventually have children, and I know that pregnancy and childbearing are physically demanding and life-changing. The costs of my fertility treatment, prenatal care, my hospital stay and delivery of twins were covered by our government's social services. My husband and I were both involved parents, and we also had support. My mother stayed with us for two months when our twins were newborn. Our church community brought food. A La Leche League consultant assisted with breastfeeding tips. I was doing what I chose to do. I dove in with enthusiasm.

I now see the personal, emotional, and financial cost of having children. It would be ridiculous not to consider the costs. Many women would not have the support that I had. Only a woman can choose what to do when she finds herself with an unwanted pregnancy or a pregnancy she wants but is unable to carry to the end.

Pro-Life at the Cost of Life

I cannot be pro-life at the risk of a woman's life. I cannot be pro-life at the expense of the mother's fullness of life. I cannot be pro-life when a woman is criminalized unfairly. I cannot be pro-life when a baby is born to be unwanted, unloved, neglected or abused. I cannot agree that a government can decide to control a woman's body and let her die in the name of being pro-life.

We who live in Canada may find it hard to realize that the average cost of a vaginal delivery in the US is $5,000 to $11,000 and that could triple if you include pre-natal care and tests, complications, or caesarian section surgery. As every parent knows, that is just the beginning of the costs to raise a child through to age 17. The changes in the US may prohibit abortions without exceptions for cases when it seems the best option:

• The life of the mother is at risk

• Internal bleeding may result in the death of the mother, child, or both without medical intervention

• The fertilized egg is never implanted correctly in the uterus, and this can put the woman's life at risk

• The pregnancy is in a pre-teen girl whose body is not mature enough to bear a child

• The fetus does not have life-sustaining organs or is not viable

• the pregnancy is the result of rape or incest

• a multiples-pregnancy where selective reduction is the way to ensure the safety of the remaining fetuses as well as the mother

• a pregnancy that resulted from failed birth control

• The pregnant woman has been abandoned by her spouse or common-law partner and does not have enough money to support her existing children

• The pregnant woman is financially supporting a disabled or unemployed spouse or aging parents

• The pregnant woman makes minimal earnings, juggles two part-time jobs, and has no health insurance coverage

• A pregnant woman who realizes she is not physically, financially, or emotionally able to bear or raise a child

Pro-life and pro-choice both want fewer abortions. We get there by changing societal attitudes, not by external regulations

It is a difficult debate because it is an ethical 'right vs right' debate. There is merit in both protecting the woman and protecting the fetus. Pregnancy is not always a blessing. Having only two opposing views does not allow for a full discussion.

So I've decided to be Pro-Love. Pro-Love means recognizing that both sides of this debate are expressing love from their own life experiences and frame of view. They are each trying to show love and save lives.

Pro-Love means:

1. Respect and empathy

2. Care and support

3. Reducing the root causes

It's not a discussion with only two options; it's a complex, right vs right moral dilemma

Pro-Love means Respect and Empathy:

1. Show respect and empathy:

• Recognize that a woman is in the best position to determine how to move forward

• Respect the choice of a person regarding their own healthcare

• Offer a full range of safe medical options, prescriptions, and procedures, including abortion

• Reduce barriers to access to abortion by distance, cost, or manipulation

• Offering choice saves women's lives

• A woman having a choice improves her physical and emotional health and fullness of life.

• Authorize women as capable of moral decision-making

John 10:10

2. Pro-Love means providing care and support for a woman in crisis. Many Christians, counsellors, foster parents, and adoptive parents are already doing this. However, like me, we need to make the effort to empathize with those at risk of an unwanted pregnancy or forced to make a heartbreaking decision based on the health of either the mother or fetus. Our attitudes and actions can make it easier for a woman to choose to carry her baby to term. God wants a woman to have an abundant life.

How can Societal Attitudes Support a Woman in Crisis?

• Stop shaming, blaming, ostracising, discriminating and criticizing women who have unwanted pregnancies

• Show love, not judgment

• Honour women who give a child up for adoption

• Provide affordable prenatal support, safe baby deliveries, and maternity care

• Provide support for her moving to a situation in which she can take care of her baby

• Regulate and ensure paid parental leave

• Offer affordable childcare options

• Address affordable housing

Psalm 118 Prayer for a woman in crisis

3. Pro-Love means reducing the root causes of an unwanted pregnancy. That will reduce the demand for abortions.

• Provide comprehensive education on sex, body parts, reproduction, and birth control

• Improve access to contraception; abstinence is not an effective option

• Make birth control a mutual responsibility; women can become ill from extended use of certain contraceptives; men need to show some sacrificial love and use male birth control when it is the best choice for the couple

• Teach men to have self-control, ask for consent, and respect women when they say 'no'

• Hold men accountable for sexual violence

How to Love a Woman

Jesus called us to help the poor, the sick, the vulnerable, and the marginalized. We can help them by giving them equal rights and opportunities, not exercising power and domination over them. Jesus came that each of us might have life and live it to the fullest.

When Mary found she was pregnant with Jesus, she praised God, saying:

He shows mercy to everyone,from one generation to the next, who honours him as God. He has shown strength with his arm. He has scattered those with arrogant thoughts and proud inclinations. He has pulled the powerful down from their thrones and lifted up the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things and sent the rich away empty-handed. Luke 1:50-53

We who are followers of God need to work to bring God's kingdom here, to scatter arrogance and pride and lift up the lowly and powerless. The Bible repeatedly tells us to love one another and to serve one another.

I love life, and I love my children. I hope that we can structure a culture where women and girls are valued as equals, and societal supports allow women to choose life more often.

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Elaine Ricker Kelly Author is empowering women with historical fiction about women in the Bible and early church and Christian blogs about women in leadership, church history and doctrine. Her books include:

• Forgotten Followers from Broken to Bold, Book 1, A Novel (2022)

• The Sword: A Fun Way to Engage in Healthy Debate on What the Bible Says About a Woman's Role (2023)

• Because She Was Called from Broken to Bold, Book 2, A Novel of the Early Church (2024)

• Walk with Mara on Her Healing Journey: 21 Steps to Emotional Resilience (2024)

• Finding Her Voice from Broken to Bold, Book 3, A Novel of the Earliest Female Apostles (coming October 2025)